


The Nose Knows

by Bonfoi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Challenge Response, Community: lupin_snape, Dirty Talk, Exhibitionism, Humor, M/M, PWP, Public Sex, Romance, Sexual Fantasy, Workplace Sex, Written in 2008, cliche challenge, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 08:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonfoi/pseuds/Bonfoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know about what’s under Snape’s robes.  We’ve all heard the one about a man’s nose.  How can you resist a wizard who couples that with snark?  Well, Remus Lupin can’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nose Knows

**Author's Note:**

> **Challenge:** The 2008 cliché challenge at Lupin_Snape. It got a bit hot, so I put it on the sister site, Bymoonlight.
> 
> **A/N:** Such a crack!fic, I think I hurt my funny bone! After a cross-country drive through high winds, freezing rain, and snowstorms, I gave this gift to myself! Clichés used are given in the story. _Edited 12-17-12._

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**_Disclaimer:_** The world of Harry Potter, its characters and settings are the copyrighted works of J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., her publishing companies and affiliates. No profit was made from the writing of this story nor was any malice intended in any way, shape or form to the author or the actors/actresses who so brilliantly have brought them to life. 

This author is not responsible for underage readers. Please observe the ratings, warnings, and age of legal consent for your country.

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>   
> _Cliches:_ Nose size as it pertains to penis size; Awkward!Snape romancing Go-with-the-flow!Remus; Supposed first time sexual experience that is **not** messy and awkward; Public sex that is condoned. I’m certain there are more, but, it’s Friday and wrestling is soon to be on.  
> 

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**:: Hogwarts Staff Room ::**

 

Remus stared. He knew he shouldn’t, but…damn! He blinked and blinked yet again, trying to clear the image from his brain, but, he just couldn’t.

Severus Snape’s nose…was big. Although, the word “big” really didn’t do it justice.

“A veritable proboscis of prodigious proportions,” he muttered under his breath. “The prow of a majestic ship of the line, plowing through Life’s waters and wreaking havoc upon the enemy’s armaments.” He admired the hooked line extending from brow to just above the lip, wondering silently if the beak could be used as an actual weapon.

“Stop staring, Lupin.” Snape didn’t look up from his book, knowing without looking up that once again the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor was gawking at him. He turned the page, still aware of Lupin’s gaze on his face, specifically, his nose. “You have your own, Lupin. Stare at it for a while and give mine a rest.”

Caught like a fish in a net, Remus choked on his mouthful of tea. Snape’s bespelled a book to whack Lupin on the back, several times, trying to ease his breathing. The lycanthrope’s wheezing inhalations came after the third such smack and Severus smiled down at his book.

Still gasping and spitting tea, Remus collapsed back into his chair. If he didn’t know better, he’d have said Snape had a wicked sense of humor under…behind…that whiffer* on his face. He patted himself down and found his handkerchief—right where he’d put it that morning, breast pocket, just where it belonged—and mopped his face and the table in front of him, dabbing at the newspaper he’d been hiding behind as he observed Snape.

“Severus…How do you do that?” Remus leaned forward, hands clasped together on the still damp newsprint. “I’ve never been able to use the ‘Third Eye’ or whatever else you have in the back of your head.” “ _Probably something to balance the foghorn in front,_ ” he thought, a bit unkindly, and then reprimanded himself.

“Didn’t you ever hear the saying a wizard’s nose, Lupin?” Snape’s voice, often sarcastic, but sometimes…sometimes oozing sex-in-syllables…rumbled through Remus’ spine, settling in the pit of his stomach. “It’s quite old. Something about the size of a wizard’s nose and…” He turned his head toward the staff room door.

“Hello, Professor Sprout. I was wondering if we could harvest some Mandrake roots this weekend? I have several students serving detention and that would be perfect for them.” Severus only waited for Sprout’s acknowledgement to get up from his chair and begin sketching out details for the detentions for the coming weekend. Remus’ frustration boiled just below the surface; he’d been on tenterhooks, waiting for what Snape would say next in that drop-dead-sex-on-a-stick voice of his.

Watching the other two professors talking, Lupin fumed. Remus thought over what had just gone through his head. First, he’d been looking at Snape’s nose. Second, he’d spoken to Snape, who then had him snorting tea down the wrong pipe. Third, he’d become…what? Turned on? Excited? _Horny?_ All that and more he decided, especially after hearing **that** tone of Severus’ voice. He started when he heard the door to the staff room bang shut.

“Oi! What’s that all about, Severus?” He noticed Sprout was no longer in the room, and for some odd reason, Snape was eyeing him up like a cat with a tasty treat. “Why are you looking at me like I’m catnip and you’re the feline?” Remus stood up so suddenly the chair scooted back a foot, banging into the bookshelf behind it. The wolf inside was suddenly very aware of what was going on in the real world.

“You’ve been eyeing me, or shall we say, my nose, for the past hour, Lupin.” The low rumble of Snape’s voice oozed over Remus’ skin, heating and cooling each centimeter in turn; the expansion and contraction had the lycanthrope shimmying with awareness. “You’ve made me promises with those brandy-colored orbs and now, I’m collecting.” Snape’s wand flashed in a complex series of motions, reminiscent of feathers dancing along writhing skin. 

“ _Damn…that’s some good wandwork!_ ” Remus thought to himself. Then, he realized that the technique was doing something else. “Why are my clothes missing, Severus?” He hugged himself tightly, aware his nipples were slowly coming to sharp points on his chest, sticking into his arms much as his chest hairs did. He moved his joined arms up and down, provoking a snarling gasp from the wizard who’d done this to him.

“You tease me, tantalize me…Damn it! You make me hard beneath my robes, Lupin!” Snape laid his wand aside and proceeded to rip at his buttons, popping off several in his haste to be naked. He mumbled into the cloth as he tried to tug his undershirt over his head, “Don’t laugh at me…please?”

Remus Lupin had always regretted his part in what happened during their school years. Quirking his eyebrows, he thought this might be a way to help the poor, unfortunate soul… He almost fainted at the sight of Severus Snape’s naked body.

He had a schlong that matched the size of his schnozz…at least in width. The wee thing was what? Six inches, if that? Remus looked down at his own respectable seven and three-quarter inches of elongated manhood and blushed; not everyone was as lucky as him! “Severus…is it supposed to be so…so small? Aren’t you aroused?” Reaching out a shaking hand, Lupin set the organ to bobbing, which in turn set it to throbbing, which led to an infusion of blood, which unfurled the beast between Severus Snape’s legs!

Remus Lupin fainted dead away when faced with a confirmed sighting of nine inches of Potions master. Instead of pouring cold water on the lycanthrope, Severus conjured a blanket, laid the other wizard down on top of the aforementioned blanket and proceeded to fellate the man’s still solid cock. Yes, a warm, wet mouth—teeth covered, of course—paired with a twining, limber, acrobatic tongue did the trick! Remus came to with a shout…just as he came…in Severus’ remarkable mouth.

“Gah…gurk…Sev…ow!” Remus’ exuberant response to Severus’ talent also meant he’d rammed his head into the stone floor, causing a sparkle of fairy dust to cover everything he looked at. “Ooh…pretty!” He petted Snape’s fine if oily hair gently and then his nose. It took only moments before Remus had realized just what had happened. “Wan’ me to…?” He gestured towards the battering ram Severus had resting against his thigh.

“Um…I’ve never…” Severus Snape blushed like the proverbial bride on her wedding night. “No one’s ever…I’m the only one who touches it.” His eyes were closed, trying to shut out yet another rebuff. It was the softest touch, just on the glans, tracing under the distended head and flirting with the veins—especially the large one—that shocked him into looking at what was happening.

Lupin’s arms came up to pull Snape over him, turned them so that Severus was now on the blanket, spread out like a feast. “Do you know how many dreams I’ve had of cocks?” Remus’ fingers continued to stroke, to flutter, to drive Severus wild as he spoke. “I’ve been hungry for them for ages…thick, thin, long, lean, you name it…but, yours? Yours is a masterpiece, a true gem of orgasmic engineering, Severus.” He bent his head to lap at the slit, mouthing wetly at the glans, then he rolled over to pin that mighty member under his flexing hips.

“I’ve been looking for your penis all my life, Severus Snape. If you think for one moment you’ll get away untouched, with my arse **not** having clamped itself hungrily around that beautiful,” he did a pelvic roll that took Severus’ breath away, “mouthwatering morsel of manhood in the next hour, you have another think coming!” Slipping his way down Snape’s body, Remus punctuated his statement with kisses up and down that proud cock, sucking at it and even leaving a love bite, right at the base, hidden in the wiry hair. Snape’s eyes almost rolled out of his head via his ears. The incoherent babbling pouring from his mouth only grew louder when Remus hummed against the erection.

Pulling himself off of the tastiest piece of manhood he’d ever seen, touched and tasted, Remus Lupin smirked. Laid out before him was the most exasperating, annoying, surprising man—and his member—all for the taking, as long as it was his. He wriggled up the side of the incoherent, and still erect, wizard, pressing every bit of his body against the pale, smooth, silky wonder that was Severus’ skin. “I always liked your mind, Severus,” he whispered into Snape’s reddened ear, and then he licked it. The ripple coursed from the brunet’s eyelids all the way to his cock and diverged to each leg, ending with all ten toes curling under.

“Hmm…have to do that again some time.” Remus leaned over and pressed chaste kisses to the heat of Severus’ cheek. “Right now, I’m going to teach you how to prepare me, then, later, I’m going to ride you.” He rolled over to press his cock against Severus’ and writhed. “I’m going to be doing that a lot over the course of the coming years, and I expect you to let me know if it’s too much for you.” Again he smirked, and this time, received one in return.

“Years, you say?” Severus gave a playful pelvic thrust and watched Lupin’s eyes water. “I like that,” he whispered. He wove his fingers into the grey-and-blond hair brushing Remus’ shoulders, marveling at how soft and curly it was. “Your hair…it likes me, too. See…it’s winding its way around my fingers, much like you are.” He sighed as the lycanthrope bent down to leave love bites along his collar bones.

“You… _oh, yes!_ …realize we… _ooh!_ …need to vaaa-umph…” Remus’ mouth on his stopped his babbling, and Remus’ tongue in that same mouth almost stopped his breath. He could hear nothing over the hammering of their combined heartbeats, especially not the staff room door banging open and hitting the stone wall; he didn’t hear the screams of the female professors; he didn’t hear the Headmistress’ admonitions that the staff in the staff room was not to be unclothed at any time. Neither wizard acknowledged the interruption until they had to take a necessary breath.

It took ten minutes of haranguing and hexing to get both males upright, dressed and chastised. After realizing neither Severus nor Remus had any eyes but for each other, she waved them away. Shaking her head, Minerva McGonagall hid a grin as she remembered her experience with the staff room; the visiting professor from France had been quite the tom to her pussy!

♥♥♥◊♥♥♥

**:: Hogwarts Dungeons, Potions master’s Quarters ::**

 

“Oh, gods! Did you see Minerva’s face?” Remus slowly unbuttoned Severus’ robes, blowing moist air on each centimeter of skin he exposed. “Did you forget your shirt?” At Snape’s nod, Remus continued, “Oh…well, I like this…like unwrapping presents on Boxing Day, you know.” He leaned over to kiss a trail from nipple to nipple.

“The next time I let you decide where we have sex, remind me to up the aphrodisiac in my tea, will you?” Severus’ dry tone belied the arousal of his body, something he knew excited his lover almost more than chocolate. He hissed when Remus used his teeth to gnaw gently on his nipples.

“Mmm…I love the way you taste, Severus.” Lupin’s eyes glinted in the candlelight, reflecting the golden shimmer. “Thank you for this. I know how much you detest public displays of affection.” His chuckle reverberated through Snape’s breastbone.

Putting a leg around Remus’, Severus threw him onto the bed. They bounced together as they kissed. Leaning back, Snape surveyed his lover’s flushed face and still clothed body. “If I have to flash my lily-white arse at every witch and wizard in England, I’ll do for you. You’re worth every indignity, and besides, your honest delight in my manly endowments is quite intoxicating.” Severus twisted so that he was the one on his back, legs spread wantonly to cradle his lover. “Now, where were we, my Wolf?”

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_~~~ Comments, like rain in the desert, are greatly appreciated.  
Thank you for reading. ~~~_

**Author's Note:**

> * * *
> 
> Reference
> 
>  
> 
> [Synonyms/entries for nose from Sex-Lexis](http://www.sex-lexis.com/Sex-Dictionary/nose): snout, snitch, snorter, snozzle, snoot, snorer, snotter, snuffler, ruby rose, schnoz(z), schnozzle, schnozzola, smeller, sneezer, whiffer, foghorn, I suppose, knocked with a French faggot, nozzle, proboscis, big conk, big cock, Big nose, big hose, brown-noser, Eskimo kiss, sniffer, storm and stripes, bulge, cold in the dong, conk, Dogiel's corpuscles, Bill, beak, beezer, rosebush, leading article, muzzle, in-and-out, honker.
> 
> * * *
> 
> 1) [The Size of Things to Come from Snopes.com](http://www.snopes.com/risque/penile/size.asp)  
> 2) [Size myth raises big questions about penises by Jessica Ramsey Golden](http://media.www.thenorthernlight.org/media/storage/paper960/news/2005/10/04/Opinion/Size-Myth.Raises.Big.Questions.About.Penises-2542098.shtml)  
> 3) [Are you for Length or Girth?](http://www.webraydian.com/content/view/368/32/)  
> 4) [Myths & Facts About Penis Size](http://facts-about-penis-size.com/Myths_About_Penis_Size.html)


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